Fingers

The sticky smoke like grasping fingers of the old year are trying to reach into the new before it even starts.
I'm not going to let it.  This is a sparkly New Year with opportunities and adventures just waiting to be had.

I am going to write a screenplay for television, something I used to do long ago, and have had refused on many occasions. There was also one time one of my scripts had been plagurised by the TV company that I sent it to, and it was turned into a series sitcom. It was strange to see the little adventures I had written from my life being played out in front of my eyes with the credit given to someone else who didn't know me and wasn't there when these funny things happened to me.

Working for the BBC had it's downside, "STAFF NO FEE" was one of them. Anything you wrote, discovered, appeared in was upaid. You just got a little docket that said "Staff - no fee".

So the New Year awaits and I am going to grasp the hand of fate and give it a good shake and ask it to be kind to me this year.

Two weeks off!

No work, no writing, no e.mails, no twitter, linkedin or blog after this one for two whole weeks.

Two weeks of doing fun stuff. Drawing, painting, cooking, making clothes, going out with my friends and partying and planning next year's holidays and outings.

I realise when I write this blog that some people may get the wrong idea about me, well that's something that never changes. I have had my foot stuffed in my mouth so hard sometimes it's amazing I haven't choked!

Most people who know me well enough to know that, I don't go out of my way to cause trouble but I do it unconsciously. If  I see a wrong that needs righting, or a friend who needs protecting, even if it's from themselves. I'll just jump in without thinking.

That's the thing. The not thinking.  Perhaps these people should be left alone. Perhaps the drama of what's  happening doesn't need a solution least of all from me.

Every Problem has a Solution - that's what my father ingrained into me and it's taken me years to realise that there are some things that just can't be solved.

There will always be wars. People will always fight, bullies and stalkers will roam about making other people's lives a misery, no matter how confused you are by a situation, or how much you apologise, there are always hard-hearted people who will never forgive or forget. For every Angel there is a Demon.

I am too ready to forgive, too easily emotionally blackmailed, too soft for my own good.
I take on board all sorts of problems and hope by helping with them that will make everything ok for everyone. But it doesn't happen.

All that happens is that I am resented and even hated for it, everythings ok now and it had nothing to do with you - BYE - P.S if I ever see you again I'll spit in your face.

Some of the problems I have solved for others are listed below.

Don't tell my secrets to my husband to be, if you do he won't marry me.
I don't want to get married to her, can I stay here till everything settles down.
I'm leaving him for someone new.
She's run away - help me look for her - she's going to commit suicide. 
I don't have a job my life has just crashed and burned.
I can't get off drugs.
I think I've got VD.
I need money desperately I can't pay my bills.
Look after my dog/cat/hamster/rat/ex girlfriend.
I'm not well can you be with me?
Look after my ex- he's going to need all the friends he can get.

So much of my time, my blood pressure, my love was put into making it all right for other people and
I forgot about myself. I had a stress heart attack trying to help others.  I should have remembered
Charity begins at home.

Then when it was all right and everything ok again it was as if seeing me caused embarrassment and I became persona non grata. I wish I had known that would have happened.   Now everyone is fine and dandy and I am blogging away stewing in my own juice!

Anyway that it the last kind of thing like this I am going to write, I think I am completely purged now and feel better for it. I have lots of lovely true friends who I will help only if they ask, a husband who is the love of my life who I will spend more time with and I am going to have a FANTASTIC life!

Ching Ching Ching aLing...

Yes, Narnia was wonderful, so was the glitter moon glowing in a sea of sparkling CDs, in the pitch darkness of the woods.The Huskies were so pretty want one! Had amazing cake, was amazing because for once I could eat it and not worry about my allergies. The trees in the manor glowed in the colours of London, the trees decorated with glittery taxis and sparkle encrusted A-Zs. Waddesdon is such a special place to be, and considering that it's a Jewish house Christmas has come with a vengence. Stunning decorations everywhere, the White Rabbit's tea party and rabbit hole, the superb Shakespeare dressed tree standing in the Globe theatre.  A wonderful start to my birthday weekend.

Saturday was 1940s night and I had my hair done Lucille Ball style by Do Wop Dos, the Christmas 40s party was fun, the singer superb, Viv the Spiv as funny as ever, tried my hand at the Lambeth Walk and somehow it stalled and we were in a traffic jam of glamorously dressed people with thei hands in their Lapels
trying to move forward.  Conga more successful as it disappeared out of the door into the freezing cold.

Sunday was Twilight - the last episode - apparently it wasn't meant to be the last episode but someone stole the parially written book from Stephanie Meyer and she lost heart and wouldn't write any more Twilights.
Cinema was empty mostly, the film slow to start, then left the premise of the book completely but was still good.

Single moment of sadness, no Birthday card from my son. 

Strangely I didn't expect one this year, but under the "getting on with it" I suppose I still hoped for a reconciliation.  Still he has his Dad and his new family, his wife and her family and my sister and her family.  I have my darling husband, some very very good dear friends who love me and know me for the authentic true kind and loving person I am.  Just because you are loving, kind and generous, doesn't mean you shouldn't stick up for yourself - which is what I did - and because people didn't like it - it was what got me into trouble.  I hope he has a lovely life and gets what he wants out of it. So sad I won't be able to share it with him. I have to move on now and get on with my life, sad as it is to say goodbye.

Anyway the tree is up and looks fantastic, the house is stocked with booze and food, the presents are under the tree, fairy lights are making the dining room look like a gold and red grotto, and best of all my health is improving at last - yes I'll always have the arthritus - but people put up with worse and  I AM looking forward now to a fabulous NewYear.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone.

Movember 2012

Well Andy's team raised £250!   Big congratulations to everyone involved - all three of you!!
It's a brave man who grows a moustache these days where women are so fey that they can't stand a bit of facial hair for a month!

I'm looking forward to Andy's goatee coming back after the 1940s do at the weekend - my birthday on Saturday - off to the 1940s nightclub - and on Sunday a nice treat out somewhere.

Taking Andy round the Manor on Friday and hopefully I can Hug a Husky, walk through Narnia, and have a lovely discounted lunch out to celebrate the end of Movember and Andy running his team!

Christmas is upon us

This time next month my new snowy tree will be sitting in pride of place in the living room, I will have had at least three well researched chapters of my book, written and under my belt, the presents will be wrapped ready and waiting the turkey will be dressed and ready to cook and best of all we can shut the doors and watch old movies and eat chocolate until we pop!  The cats will have lots of wrapping paper to play in and pounce on and a few mice pressies of their own, and I will rip the wrapping off my presents and pretend I wasn't with my darling hubby when he bought them.

Anything annoying or problematical will be ignored until the new year - fun food festivities films are the order of the day!

This time of year is so dull I wish I could put up the decorations NOW!

Loving working at the Manor the 60ft Christmas trees are stunningly beautiful. The Manor is dressed to impress and we have our Champagne Christmas Party soon.  Thank you God I love this time of year!

Lost in the Past

Trying to find out information about my 17c ladies is difficult, some of the information is contradictory and some sources especially from Victorian times seem like a complete work of fiction.
I'm trying hard to write an interesting accessible history book that will make people say things like
I never knew that and Wow really?

So far I have tons of research and loads of drafts and I need to pull it all together, I get lost in the piles of interlacing information, how much do I put in what do I leave out - and the big question - why am I doing this anyway?

I suppose I want to leave more behind than faded photos and skewed memories of me. My life seems to be speeding on to that hole in the ground too quickly, I don't have all the time in the world anymore.

I live a lot in my own past, and hardly look to the future beyond a calendar year. I'm getting older, iller and crankier and where I would be normally planning a future I don't.  The past is safe you knew what happened, memories are sometimes nice and sometimes bad, but they can't do anything to you in the past it's over.

I have had my 15 minutes of fame more times than I care to recount - I worked for the Beeb for 25 years and 15 minutes of fame came up quite regularly. Now I sit on my own typing my books, wondering what ifs and missing my child, if he doesn't contact me on my birthday this year - I don't suppose he'll ever talk to me again and the way he's behaved recently it's probably a good thing.  Might stop the pain and the aching hole inside me every time I think about him now. 

Movember 2012

Trying to raise money to help with research into prostate cancer is very hard.  Men tend to ignore their illnesses and the stupid animals can leave it too late to be cured.  One of our friends nearly did that - but he's on the mend now thank God.

Andy my hubby is a lovely man, and kind and he loves helping people, he's always the first to step up and he took on Movember at Rebellion where he works when no-one else would. He only has a small team doing it
and he's been involved now for the past 4 years.

Everyone has compassion exhaustion and not much money, I know this, we don't have much money, but I calculated how much I would spend on posh coffees in a month and gave that to Andy to boost his total.
More important to save perhaps my own husband or son's life than have a latte at Costa Packet!

So if you can and you are a bloke - remember it could save YOUR life - please give to:
http://uk.movember.com/mospace/index/search/#q=rebellion
and if you are a woman, look after your man by giving anything - as little as a pound will help.

I have become a Mo Sister and it's up to me to chivvy everyone on, so please,give what you can.
THANK YOU THANK YOU!!