Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Lost in the Past

Trying to find out information about my 17c ladies is difficult, some of the information is contradictory and some sources especially from Victorian times seem like a complete work of fiction.
I'm trying hard to write an interesting accessible history book that will make people say things like
I never knew that and Wow really?

So far I have tons of research and loads of drafts and I need to pull it all together, I get lost in the piles of interlacing information, how much do I put in what do I leave out - and the big question - why am I doing this anyway?

I suppose I want to leave more behind than faded photos and skewed memories of me. My life seems to be speeding on to that hole in the ground too quickly, I don't have all the time in the world anymore.

I live a lot in my own past, and hardly look to the future beyond a calendar year. I'm getting older, iller and crankier and where I would be normally planning a future I don't.  The past is safe you knew what happened, memories are sometimes nice and sometimes bad, but they can't do anything to you in the past it's over.

I have had my 15 minutes of fame more times than I care to recount - I worked for the Beeb for 25 years and 15 minutes of fame came up quite regularly. Now I sit on my own typing my books, wondering what ifs and missing my child, if he doesn't contact me on my birthday this year - I don't suppose he'll ever talk to me again and the way he's behaved recently it's probably a good thing.  Might stop the pain and the aching hole inside me every time I think about him now. 

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