Trying to find out information about my 17c ladies is difficult, some of the information is contradictory and some sources especially from Victorian times seem like a complete work of fiction.
I'm trying hard to write an interesting accessible history book that will make people say things like
I never knew that and Wow really?
So far I have tons of research and loads of drafts and I need to pull it all together, I get lost in the piles of interlacing information, how much do I put in what do I leave out - and the big question - why am I doing this anyway?
I suppose I want to leave more behind than faded photos and skewed memories of me. My life seems to be speeding on to that hole in the ground too quickly, I don't have all the time in the world anymore.
I live a lot in my own past, and hardly look to the future beyond a calendar year. I'm getting older, iller and crankier and where I would be normally planning a future I don't. The past is safe you knew what happened, memories are sometimes nice and sometimes bad, but they can't do anything to you in the past it's over.
I have had my 15 minutes of fame more times than I care to recount - I worked for the Beeb for 25 years and 15 minutes of fame came up quite regularly. Now I sit on my own typing my books, wondering what ifs and missing my child, if he doesn't contact me on my birthday this year - I don't suppose he'll ever talk to me again and the way he's behaved recently it's probably a good thing. Might stop the pain and the aching hole inside me every time I think about him now.